Shakerules Diaries

I saw him look at me again, smiling with that childish grin of his. At first, I thought it was her he was smiling at. But then, I saw his eyes directed at me, and he could never imagine how much he had made my heart smile. Seconds after, the heavy feeling returned, and the insides of me cursed the day after 15.

I’m growing scared every minute. Every second is getting closer to that dreaded date, most probably the end of my world. I’m scared I wouldn’t be able to get myself out of this deep hole of numbness and nothingness, I’m afraid I would never be able to save myself from being buried alive with all the melancholy.

Nostalgia is slapping on my face every fond memory I have with him. Regrets wash over me like the ocean, making me hate myself for all the stupid mistakes I’ve done. I’ve lived a life covered with darkness for so long, I’m afraid I’ll never be able to see the light that was once blinding my eyes and making me shine.

I will most probably never get over this, let alone get over him. But God knows how hard I’ve tried, He knows how much tears I’ve cried for the past that will probably never come back. I still hold on to that promise, whatever’s meant to be will be. Maybe we are, maybe we aren’t. All I know is that my fingers are slowly slipping from the question I’ve hanged on for so long to, then I realize, there’s no hope for us anymore. Not now, anyway. Probably ever.

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