Shakerules Diaries

The energy of hatred won’t get you anywhere; but the energy of forgiveness, which reveals itself through love, will transform your life in a positive way.

In a place where people gather to chat or to study, I anxiously wait for the clock to strike 4pm, hoping that I will see her pass by, seeing her beautiful face once more. I don’t know what will I do if it happened that I saw her, should I greet her? Should I say sorry for what I said to her? I am afraid to go near her, every time I go near her, her presence freezes me, I became speechless, all the things I wanted to say to her just fade away. I was a coward (yes, I admit), I don’t have the strength to tell her face to face the emotions that’s piling up in my mind and in my heart. I began to think that I should make a distance between us. I want to free my mind with the thought of her.

There are times that my jealousy has taken over me, times where every time I ask her if she need some help on something, every time I ask her to go out to share some thoughts, even in simple things, she refuses my help, my presence. There is always a time when she refuses my help, she accepts what her friend is giving her. She even told me that out of all the people, she cannot accept anything that coming from me. What does it mean? She doesn’t like me? I came to a thought that she doesn’t care about me.
This past weekend, I talked to her through text, I told her that I will not disturb them anymore, I mean she and her friend. After I told her that, she disappeared, she never replied to me again, she leaves a clue that was only visible to me, as if it was a secret message: Goodbye.

Why?

Is that question worth answering?

No. Because behind the answer is my inability to be close to the person I like, I love. Is it worth fighting her and persuade her to comeback? Begging her to give me another chance to prove my love to her?
It will be a kind of odd decision; it would be better I suffer the things that was happened in the past, where the people I’ve be close with had left me. It would be better I lock myself in a room, pretending that I’m okay even if inside me my chest is hurting so badly. For a while, I’ll think of her obsessively, I’ll bore my friends telling them that she is gone.

I try to justify what had happened; I began to think of the times when we had moments together. She stills the girl I can’t forget, but I’m trying my best to forget her. I’ll find other women. As I walk to a canteen, a library, a classroom, a mall, a corridor, I keep seeing women who could be her. I’ll suffer day and nights. This may even take weeks or months. I don’t know if i can forget her.

“Until one morning, I’ll wake up and find I’m thinking about something else, and then I’ll know the worst is over. My heart might be bruised, but it will recover and become capable of seeing the beauty of life once more. It’s happened before; it will happen again I’m sure. When someone leaves, it’s because someone else is about o arrive – I’ll find love again.”

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