Shakerules Diaries

Few years ago i met this guy online,

we become friends and after few more months we end up into deeper relationship…and  i been happy during that months…i learn to love him…and the feelings become stronger and deeper…there were times am missing him when his so busy and we cant talk online..i feel something missing then…something important…

its not just his not always around and the fact that his too far from me…i keep waiting for his call and there were times i call him when i cant stand anymore…and there were times i cant help to feel jealous when i saw this site…i read those comments for him from his other online friends…i feel cheated but then i also realize i don’t have a right in some ways…its part of his personal thing i cant interrupt the personal thing…

and then one day he called me in the phone… then i asked him about the girl name flower…then he admit that they had relationship..and the worse part was he mention that the girl come first in his life and he trust her…i feel tearing apart in that moment and confused…i feel as if he dumb me…and cheated…. 

then one day i realize that maybe his not for me..and when we talk again we fought…i told him what i really feel and i learn that am not scared to loss him and face the fact that i can survive without him…yes i learn to love him…but i also learn that i cant force the i love so i set him free…and the moment i set him free i feel alive again…and few days later he come back to ask a for second chance…that he cant live without me in his life…i gave in but the shield stay in my heart…

its not just am afraid to give him all my heart…its just i want to love him in the way i can preserve my heart as well…so if time will come he have to go again or i have to set him free AGAIN…its not so hurt anymore… 

so, he still smiles, he still holds my hand twinning fingers together. I love him and what can I say? I always will. We have shared moments together at movies when he puts him arm around me and i snuggle in to his chest. I play with my fingers and he smells my hair. “mmmm” he always says. he loves the smell of my hair he says that it smells like me. He loves me for me. Including my awkwardness, clumsiness and even stubborness because he knows that he can always count on me no matter where we are. I think that he loves me too. from afar he watches me ever so over protective and ever so caring. he walk me too class, holding my hand as we go pushing everyone out of the way as we go. Does he love me? 

The first time I really noticed him, when he stepped out of the shadows and into the spotlight, so to speak, he was dressed as Mr Darcy. Enough said.

I never had a chance.

It was two years before I noticed him again. I was in my senior year of highschool and taking advance level English. There were only two other students in my year at the same level, so rather than hold classes we had several one-on-one sessions a week. He was my teacher.

I lived for those sessions, I couldn’t get enough of his brilliance and for the first time I found someone I could talk to at my level. We never really got around to the English. We just talked.

He’d read every 19th century romance novel worth reading. He loved Shakespeare, Dickens, Coleridge. We talked about my boyfriend troubles, my life, his life, politics, religion, there was barely a stone left unturned.

I’ve never met anyone so poetic. It was like stepping back a hundred years and meeting one of those reserved, gentleman-types you see in movies.

When I heard he was engaged I congratulated him but secretly hoped it would fail. They’d broken up once before, maybe it would happen again. 

Sometimes I just didn’t know what he was thinking. We’d have research nights where we’d just sit and chat, and he’d come and make banal conversation just for the sake of it, while the other students studied. I always felt like it was bordering on inappropriate, I could feel the lightning bolts but never knew if he could. It just seemed a little too close for someone getting married.

He invited me to the wedding, and I sat there in the church, next to my boyfriend, wishing it was me he was waiting for at the altar.

That was a year ago.

Now I’m not looking for lightning bolts, I don’t mind who I end up with because it doesn’t matter anymore. Because it won’t be him. But I’ll always wish it was.

So…

I’m a girl. I’m a Freshman in High School… and this is my heartache story…

This all started over 3 years ago. I was beginning 7th grade. I had this little crush on this one guy named Terry whom I’d known for a while. But then again, who didn’t? He was beautiful. And he was infatuated with the one girl who didn’t love him. But he’s not the main part of this story, believe it or not…

One day, my best friend Brittany and I were sitting after school in an art club meeting. Terry was there. We were all talking casually. And then, at that exact moment, I watched as the one man whom has now stolen my heart walked through the door, interrupting my gaze on Terry.

For some reason, he was wearing a suit. Complete with a top hat and white gloves. His hair, short and blonde, contrasted greatly with Terry’s black, medium length black hair. He was pale and quite mature-looking. His ears were pierced and gaged. He ran into the room randomly and put his hands on Terry’s shoulders, yelling:

“TERRY! THE MATRIX NEEDS US!”

He ran off after that, only to come back a few minutes later. He then sat down next to me and explained to Terry, Brittany and I that he was dressed that way for a project that was being conducted in the cafeteria. He and Terry were beginning 8th grade. They were so… grown-up to me at the time.

The first thing he ever said to me, as I remember, was, as I was commenting on one of my favorite characters from one of my favorite video games (Vincent Valentine from Final Fantasy 7) and he commented back.

“Nooo.. Not VINCENT! Vinnie!” He said, gazing into my eyes.

The evening went by, and not another thought crossed my mind about this dear, sweet human until about a month later.

He walked into the Drama Club meeting after school. Clad in dark clothes, fit for a vampire. I then learned his name. Jeremy. Jeremy Zane Heck. A very beautiful name. He was trying out for a part. I had already gotten the leading lady’s part. One of my close friends got the leading male part. Terry had gotten the part of the town mayor. And Brittany had gotten the part of his daughter. (The play is The Music Man, for curious readers. I played Marian Paroo. My friend Blaine played Harold Hill, my friend Terry played Mayor Shinn. My friend Brittany played Zaneeta Shinn. My friend Nathan played Marcellus. And a few more people got more parts.) And Jeremy was finally cast to play a certain Charlie Cowell, anvil salesman.

This didn’t bother me until I found out, a few minutes later, that, apart from a kissing scene with Blaine, I had a kissing scene with JEREMY, too!

Oh no…

But, it got worse. He started dating Brittany. She would feel sad every single time Jeremy and I had to kiss on stage, in front of the school. Without her permission. It saddened me aswell.

Sometime over the Summer, though… He and Brittany split. I’m not sure of the whole story, but apparently it wasn’t a good one.

Then, his appearance started changing.

The next time I saw Jeremy was a few month’s later, in September. His hair had grown out, darkened into a brilliant shade of orange. His skin was becoming freckled with faint, painted orange dots. His bright blue eyes were as gorgeous as ever. He had grown. and then, I found out, he was dating my other close friend, Kelsie.

Yes, yes. They got along fine. Sure, sure. Until he made it up that he was gay to split with her so he could try to be with Brittany again.

Brittany hated him. O.o So they didn’t work out. And then he didn’t have anywhere to turn.

At this point, it’s almost two years later. Kelsie’s now a proud lesbian, Brittany doesn’t care. Jeremy’s suicidal because of problems at home and with his relationships. And then, heaven only knows how or why, we started talking again.

Thank God for MySpace.

He would talk to me late at night. Now being the time I was late in my 8th grade year. He was late in his Freshman year. It was around March or so. He would tell me things that, though I tried to deny it, would be the sweetest things any human had ever said to me. He would openly tell me he loved me. Denying it, I would consider it him joking around and say I loved him, too. I denied anyone who told me he loved me. That is, until that faithful night, In May.

We had been seeing each other more fully by then. There were events at the Middle School, such as another play Brittany and I were in (I was the lead) in which he, Nathan, and Terry came to watch. So along with talking with him online, he would follow me around and hug on me and tell me sweet things in public, too.

Then, he asked me on a date about a week after Summer started. We went to the movies, and ate some ice-cream. It was blissful. I still denied any feelings he had towards me. We had a fun day and he called me later on in the day, asking me if I’d had fun. I, of course, said yes. He asked me if I’d want to do it again sometime. I, of course, said yes.

So, one night, he messaged me.

He asked for advice about a girl.

I told him, with straight honesty, I’d have to know who it was before I gave him any advice.

There was a LONG SILENCE…

Then, he finally replied, saying it was me… and that he’d loved me for a long time and was wanting to know how I’d react.

I told him I honestly liked him a bit too.

We didn’t talk for two days.

I went to Nathan’s house to watch some old videos from my 8th grade graduation (in which he and Jeremy had attened) and other stuff from the Summer so far. I decided to call Jeremy. We talked, the three of us, for a few minutes, and then I had to leave.

A day later, I gathered the courage to ask him to be my boyfriend. Mostly because I knew he was afraid of some type of rejection and I wanted to make it as easy on him as possible. I got online, He was on.

He immediatly messaged me. Saying Hi. I then, after a few messages, asked if I could be his girlfriend. He said of course. He also said that he was just about to ask me, but, to my suspicion, was afraid. I giggled a bit at that and went to sleep happily as he wrote me notes, wishing me sweet dreams and love.

We didn’t talk for most of the Summer. I was too busy getting closer to Terry and Nathan, who had both changed a lot. Terry’s black hair had grown and he had then become one of my closest friends. Nathan had grown and become another close friend. Plus, I was in another play. I was in Sweeney Todd, playing the role of Tobias. The only two people who came to see me in the play besides my family were Terry and Nathan. No one else.

Plus, Jeremy was having more family and depression issues. And I didn’t wish to intrude.

But, as my Freshman year (this year) and HIS Sophmore year started back up again, we got a lot closer. We started going places together, being alone. We talked a lot. We shared a lot. We started getting a lot closer. At some point, I really understood: I loved him.

He asked me to marry him and run away with him. Three times.

I said yes all three times.

We talked constantly. I couldn’t bare to go home at the end of the day, because I knew I’d have to wait until the next day at school to hold him. Unless I could stop that pain somehow.

We loved each other. ‘Nuff said.

There’s no way to describe my love for him. I still want to spend the rest of my life with him. He gave me his vest and told me to never give it back. He said to me constantly that I was the only thing keeping him alive. That I was his world. That he loved me. I would retort with the same thing. And then, sometimes errily, we’d recite:

“Forever and Always”

As a toast to our love.

We started getting a little sexual. We weren’t ready to lose our virginity just yet, but we got close enough a few times.

I gave him a total of about four blowjobs. He fingered me at least five times.

We told each other we’d lose ourselves to each other. We promised that.

But, at some point here, after 7 months of a strong, healthy, loving relationship, his depression got worse.

He lost love. He lost faith in life. He didn’t want to live any longer. Not even for me.

He told me that a week and a half ago.

We stayed together.

Until yesterday.

He told me he’d had enough. He said he was going to try to get his head on straight, that he loved me, thanks for caring, and said he’d come back to me.

Today at school, he came in at lunch. We didn’t even look at each other. I’ve spent my last week crying over him. Worrying about him. Screaming over him. Dying over him.

Nathan and Terry. My two best friends. They’ve kept me, through these days of pain and hatred, from killing myself. From harming myself any more than I have.

Nathan said today, Jeremy cried on him over me.

Terry, all he did was sit there, hold me, and let me cry on him.

A new acquaintance, my friend Steven, told Jeremy off today. I came around the corner and watched it unfold, crying into the chests of anyone who would hold me.

And then, as Jeremy refused to look at me when Steven pointed me out, I remembered a picture I’d drawn for him two days ago. Of us. I reached out a shaking hand, much to the disbelief of everyone around, and poked Jeremy on the shoulder. He slowly turned towards me. I handed him the note, whispering, almost incoherently:

“This is from Tuesday..”

And then, I turned and cried into another person who would be willing to hold me. Jeremy took it, very hesitantly as he read the words YOU ARE MY EVERYTHING printed on the back of the note.

He stared at me. I refused to look at him. When I did, he was staring at me with those eyes. Eyes of guilt and pain. I was screaming in the hallway, wanting so badly to reach out and touch him. To cry into him. To tell him I couldn’t live without him.

Why I didn’t? I have no idea.

But… tomorrow’s always another day…

He might come back… I don’t know…

I can only pray…

I need him…

He’s everything to me.

I need to feel his lips against mine.

I need to know I can ease his pain.

I need to teach him what its like to be like me right now.

I need to talk to him.

I need to hold him.

I can only hope he’ll be at school tomorrow. So I can gather the courage to do that.

So I can breathe the scent from his vest in and gather the strength to not cry as I apologize. As I beg for him to come back into my life. Now.

I need him.

I love him.

I’m holding out for him.

Jeremy Zane Heck is my everything!!!!

To all the people who had their hearts touched by that special someone,

To all the people who had their hearts broken,

To all the people who believe in the silver lining after the storm,

this is a poem dedicated to you:

Stay ALiVe

Bravery,

Reason to live the next moment

Love, be Loved.

See the world.

Make a Change.

Give.

Spirit.

Energy.

Smile

It all started off when I was in 4th grade, Danny had just moved here. He sat next to me all year, and each week i liked him even more.

The years pasted by, and we ended up in 7th grade. Danny and I were as close as ever, until one day. I finally got the courage to ask Danny out, but when I saw him, I waved. He looked away quickly. I found it strange, so i walked up to him to see what was wrong. “Go away,” was all he said. I didn’t know what to do next, so i walked away like he told me to.

The rest of the week, Danny continued to ignore me. He looked so embarrassed when he saw me. So one day I decided to talk to him, whether he liked it or not. When he saw me coming his way, he ran for it, but he dropped his cell in the process. I picked up his cell, and i noticed that he received a new text message. I looked at it, and i was heart broken when i read the conversation. It was between him and my best friend. It said~

Him-I can’t tell her

Her-She can get over it

Him- No she won’t, i know she likes me

Her- good point… so maybe she wont like it if we kissed…

Him- I feel bad, I liked her too.. but then u kissed me

Her- Then we can date secretly.

Him- good… I g2g luv u..

Her- i luv u too

It broke my heart. They kissed! I dropped the phone and burst into tears. I kept staring at the phone. Suddenly a hand picked it up, and i looked up. Danny was standing there, holding hands with my so called best friend….

There’s 3 of us in this love story. The love of my life (female), one of my dearest friends (male) and me (female).

The love of my life…wow. We became friends a few years ago. We started meeting up more and more because we have so much in common, so at first, when I started having feelings for her, I thought it was just a result of being able to connect with someone so well. But now, when I think of life without her, my heart aches and my head throbs. Even as I am writing this the tears are streaming down my face. Why? She’s still alive and we never broke up…because we aren’t together and we probably never will be.

About a year ago I nearly lost a dear friend because he developed feelings for me that I couldn’t return. We’ve only just started meeting up again and last week, ‘she’ came too. They both bonded and they’ve started meeting up more. The deal is they went out for a short time a few years ago and they’re beginning to rekindle their old feelings.

I am Bi, and so is she (though she’s very closeted) but I can tell by the way she acts around me that she only sees me as a friend and I can’t risk telling her about my feelings because…look what happened to me and my other friend. We can say it won’t be awkward between us but that’s easier said than done.

I can see her slipping away to be with another person and hearing her talk about him…and him about her…is killing me. Not in a literal sense…I would never take it that far, simply because I want to be around her as much as possible, even if we are only friends, but even so.

I love her, so, SO much. I already know that I would die for her. I want to protect her and give her everything she wants, because I know I can. She’s the kind of girl who wants to be told how much she is loved, to be told she is beautiful even when she’s just got out of bed and her hair is a mess, even when she is ill and has snot running down her lip. She wants a romantic and passionate relationship with stability that she can rely on no matter what. I can give her all of that and more. If only she could return my feelings.

I remember the times we first used to speak online you fascinated me right from the begining….and the firt time you said i was beautiful. it made me tingle

we quikcly became really close and i was happy that you were my friend….. but when we made if official that we were together i found it hard to believe that someone so amazing as you could ever want someone like me.

And we went on to have so many happy, funny exciting, butterflys in tummy moments and memories togther online.

i remember one day we were slow dancing (imvu). You said to me i think im a bit young to say this but i never let myself get close to a girl like this, but i think your my soulmate. your awsome… i told you its crazy but i felt the same way you make my life better and i want to be with you forever. it didnt matter that we were only online for now because what we had was real and aslong as we did have eachother everything would be ok.

Everything was perfect but now im so angry at you for playing that football game you know you shouldnt have been playing so all those promises you made me and all them memories and all them feelings you had for me have evapourated from your memory. Why did you have to loose your memory!!

If it wasnt for your cousin you wouldnt have even known i exist now and i am thankful that you still talk to me even thow i must have seemed like a stranger to you. i saw you on webcam for the first time the other day, and it felt so wierd looking at you knowing so much about you but you knowing hardly anything about me.

It hurts knowing things are never going to be the same. I feel alone and unsafe. You were the only one that saved me. When i told you about that i feeling i got about the sinking sand and you were there with your hand, and for the first time i felt ground. well now it feels like someone has pushed me back in and im sinking faster than ever.

And your going to be with another girl now i know this will happen. i think its the thing that hurts the most. Of course i want you to be happy and love. but if only you knew how much i want you need you and love you would it make our ‘friendship’in your eyes better or worse? So when you said you loved me and i was your angel they are just words now….

I wish you the best. You’ll make it to the top i know you will, i believe in you. You are amazing. ok well i gess i’ll talk to you online later you’ll think ‘oh its my online friend from the UK’ and if i see your name pop up i’ll think ‘its the only boy that has control of my heart,quickly put the frount on that your ok’

its freshman year for me. its junior year for him. he came up to me on my first day of school with his guitar in his hand and my boyfriend at the time at my side. we were sitting down and he started to play your beautiful to me. i listened and i immediately felt something between us. we never saw each other outside of our only class we had together. me, playing clarinet, and him playing guitar, in jazz band. i was so bad at playing the clarinet and i thought for sure he would never want to have anything to do with me. i never really felt that pretty, or that i had a chance with anyone like him. after that class, it was time to go home. i was standing in the front of the school waiting for a ride home when he came up behind me and covered my eyes until i guessed his name. up until then i never really knew it. i turned around, “i never found out your name, wanna tell me?” he uncovered my eyes and looked at me, with his big brown eyes,and told me his name he knew my name by then, he was paying more attention to me than i thought. he asked me for my number and i gave it to him. i can remember the first time he called me. we were playing phone tag until i finally caught him. we talked for hours, him playing songs for me through the phone and me talking about books that i had been reading. we automatically had a friendship. i was the happiest ever! my boyfriend had broken up with me a couple days before johnny called me. he made me feel better, he comforted me about it. the next day i didn’t see him other than in jazz band. he called me again that night, we were talking as usual but this time he started playing a song i had never heard him play before, it was a song he had written for me. i was so happy and excited and he could tell over the phone. he then asked me who i liked and i said well isn’t it obvious? i thought at that moment that it would be the last time i would call myself single in a while, but that quickly changed. he said, “well i have an idea” i said well you are probably right and then he said, “well i want you to know i have a girlfriend.” i felt so heartbroken because i thought we had something, even with our age difference and even though we had only known each other a couple of weeks. That night i went to bed with a single tear going down my cheek. the next day he sat with me at lunch and we began to talk as though we had never had that conversation about his girlfriend. he began to have problems with his girlfriend and he was coming to me about them. i would let him talk and i would always be there for him. we eventually got to talking about kissing and well some other stuff. i would always remind him that i am a freshman before he got carried away. he would always complement me, and call me beautiful and he made me feel good about myself. we talked about going to the movies and i agreed. he told me he was on a temporary break up with his girlfriend. we had our moments during the movie, some very special and memorable for me. and i hoped that after the movie, he would stay broken up with his girlfriend and come to me. that didnt work out the way i hoped. he still talked to me and he went back to his girlfriend…all problems solved. thanks to me. now i can see him everywhere i go, he is always either kissing or on top of her. he is starting to have problems again with her again. he hasn’t come to talk to me about it. but i have a feeling it is about me. he tells my friend how sally is never there for him and how i always am there for him. he calls me his friends with benefits but i dont want to be that. i saw him talking to his girlfriend the other day. i passed by and waved, i saw the sad look on both of there faces and could tell that it was serious what they were talking about. i said hi and he sort of smiled and waved back, but was late to class, i think he was talking to her. i am so confused, everyone says i need to get over him, but i dont want to. i want to be with him, even though he hurt me. what do i do?