Shakerules Diaries

My friends call me freda, so just call me Freda.

he used to be my boss, he is a priest.we worked together for 10 months and i never had this feeling towards him, i admire him yes, but falling in love with him did not came into my mind, after resigning to my old work and start to work in the other parish i find my self missing his corny jokes and smiles, i always wanted to text him but i still can control my feelings towards him,i got myself a boyfriend. until one day he transferred to other parish and we were assigned to work together in a ministry.

one day we are assigned to go for a stay in seminar, for 1 week being with him in the same house, we became friends, not the usual friendship we had before. he is not my boss now. in that one week everything change…..

we started to go out for a dinner, we started to have fun together, until he started kissing me, instead of objecting i responded to that kiss, for 2 months we go out for a date,date like lovers…

one day i woke up realizing things were not going right, i became demanding to him, wanting time that he cannot give, he has a lot of schedules, our schedules don’t meet.

until felt being rejected by him, but the truth is he is not, he cannot give up his commitments just for me, well i do understand him when he explains.

my problem now is that I’m falling in love with him, and i cant help it. by now i dont care about my boyfriend, and i know its unfair for him.i dont think i can give him up now. i want him not as i want my boyfriend.

I started dating this guy my freshman year of high school. I was known for being in long relationships, and i actually had just got out of one in the middle of my freshman year. Months past, and randomly I met this boy who was very good looking, and quite charming at the time. We hit it off great the first time we met, and dated only 4 days after that. I guess the reason why we had so much fun in the beginning of our relationship was because we barely knew each other, and getting to know him like that was the most fun experience I’ve had in a long time. He was sweet, and became my high school sweetheart since then. We spent an amazing summer together going into our sophomore year, and that was the best our relationship ever was. It could only get better when for out 1 year anniversary I went on a trip with him and his family to Park City, Utah. It was amazing with the cabin and the snow, and snowboarding til we were so tired we fell asleep together when we got back to the cabin. Things started to get a little rocky the summer going into my Junior year. He came with me to Disney world that summer, and that was the last time that I had ever felt truly loved by him. It breaks my heart to flashback to those moments, and look at him now and see how different all of it is. He ended up breaking up with me the beginning of junior year..and I broke down. It was the hardest thing I had ever gone through, and all I wanted was for him to want me back. 4 months past, and I got what I had wanted. He wanted me back because he got jealous when he saw me with someone else. 2 weeks after that, I told him I wanted him too. He turned me down. I’ve been waiting for him ever since that day, and i JUST found out last night, that he was using me..and never cared. His I love yous were all fake too. I’m writing my story because there are girls out there who don’t know what their guy is thinking. Guy’s need to tell the full truth instead of using a woman. I’m very heart broken right now, but I know I’ll be okay. I just wish things were different, but pride is what is going to help me through this. I am better than how he has treated me. And for all the women out there who feel this way, have pride. You are better than that. Just like me.

There was a boy who was madly after me trying to convince me that he loves me at last i accepted his love  and for a year we were along and slowly i felt that he is avoiding me when repeatedly asking him he told that he got engaged to some other girl when i asked him how he can do this to me he told that i his parents forced him cos that girl was orphan to this i thought he has done something very good and kept my life going and one day i happened to meet his friend whome i asked about this guy so his friend told me he was not worth me when i asked him why he saying all this to that he toldme that he didnt got engaged he just wanted to get rid of me so made all that stories actually he was flirt i could not believe that a guy who use to run after me like a mad just flirted with me i hated him for what ever he did with me but i still love him cos he was my first love

This is a heartaching story that i would be narrating from my personal life experience. It all began when i was studying bachelors. Attraction which i thought is normal at my age soon turned into love and i was unaware of wat was going around me. To b honest i lost control of my mind, i knew nothing except thinking about the girl. she was my classmate.  always i used to get a snap shot of her in my eyes. driving,eating,sleeping n even talking to other girls i would c her in them. unnoticeably i used to eye her and whenever and whereever i always tried being close to her. it was a secret which i shared with noone. and then it happened in the final yr of my bachelors my secret was no more a secret.

the girl rang me up late in the night and i was of loosing her frndship denied of my love 2wards her.  that was the day which i believe tht i should have been ashamed off. but later on after thinking for a long time with the mistake i’ve done i msged her n told her the truth, the truth tht i hid from her. n 4 my proposal i got a clean big NO . i felt like i lost life, i am a looser. after this incident i tried many times to win her but i never succeeded. the worst part was when i told her tht if her parents would say yes to my proposal will she agree? she told tht not even in the next life or ever she would marry me. i am good person i dont smoke nor drink or eye girls or nyother bad habbits. then why should i suffer? the only reason she has for rejecting me is she is already been proposed and after a thorough search i found tht even thts a lie. i left india in hope of wiping out those memories but i guess i could’nt . some of her frnds say cause i am not settled n from middle class family i got rejected.  Anyways i hope the best for her n alll of them who r in my position.

First time i saw her was during the middle of 8th grade. We were in 2 different cliques, while she was in the whole emo/scene myspace group, I was part of the troublemaker delinquent kids. Despite our difference, she was the one of the most beautiful girl i have ever seen, but of course i kept this to myself. Later in the year, we discovered that we’re in the same drama class.

“You were everybody’s boyfriend” she said jokingly to me as we talked about our experiences at that class. Well she was right. During the time period in drama class, i have flirted with every girl in that class except Marissa(her name). I’ve always been shy with Marissa even though im always confident with other girls. Then out from nowhere, Marissa sent me an instant message saying “Hi”. Then that’s when it took off. We hung out secretly, but the people already knew due to her habit of telling all of her friends anything. My friends then don’t seem to mind because i told them that i had no feelings for her.

As we hung out more, my feelings for her started to develop more and more.

I tried to stop it, but the more I hold back the more my feelings get out. So i decided to stop hanging out with her, I even stop talking to her. She tried talking to me but i just ignored her. Then she finally realized that I didn’t want anything to do with her. So she did the same. It was very hard for me because i thought of her 24/7. Then i got myself a girlfriend so i could stop thinking about her. Unfortunately it didn’t work. I end up breaking with my girlfriend then confessed my feelings to Marissa. It took about a month for me to convince her to be my girlfriend. We were very inlove, summer of 07 was my best summer because of her. We hung out with each other almost everyday and loved every moment of it. Then highschool started and she went to different school. This situation made us more in love because, it triggered us to want to see each other more. I stopped smoking and doing drugs for her. Then she started dressing different(she started wearing

abrecombie,hollister,and etc..). She also stopped her emo habits such as cutting herself and being depressed all the time. We had all this plans about the future from getting married to the name of our future kids. We fought a lot but i always win. Despite all the fighting we were very inlove, as if we couldn’t get enough off each other.Then after the winter break she moved to our school.We got caught making love at school campus.We both got suspended for 5 days. Then during the suspension she called me and then she said that her mom might put her in some kind of theraputic boarding school in Oregon. At first i wasn’t worried then days turned to weeks. No phone calls or anything. Then i decided to talk to her big sister who hates me. She said that I would never see Marissa again. I begged and begged, but nothing works. I was obssesed on finding her, but all the efforts i made progressed into nothing…..then i gave up. Until now i still don’t know here she is. Not even a goodbye was said before she left. Her parents cut all of our communications. Where ever she is, i hope she’s alright

K, so i wouldn’t count this as dating but like it was “liking” each other. I was in seventh grade and me and this guy liked each other. We told each other and we both knew, he called me beautiful as well at one point. We each gave each other candy grams saying i love you and stuff…and guess wat he ripped mine to pieces, i was heart broken i was soo sad it like u never liked me! But thats not the worst thing. He insulted my best friend, wat was i supposed to do stick up for her or not. I decided to stick up for her, I talked to him and he Dannyed it…as he was walking away he called me a loser and bitch but Lucky my friend told me so i liked freaked out at him! Later he said he hated me…i liked him for soo long, even though he was such a ass to me, and now every Friday 19th of dec i remember him! for about a year after that nothing good ever happened to me again!

She died on August 15th, 2007. 10:15pm. Sophomore year. My best friend and then only girl who i truly loved for everything that she was, and everything that she could be. To us, are futures we blank. We had nothing telling us where are friendship may go in the future, or where it may end. I was 5 years old when i met her for the first time. I can’t exactly remember how it went. But sitting around the table in kindergarten, she is the only face I can remember getting a close look at. She smiled at me. And I smiled back. That was when I think we both felt love for the first time. We were too young to know what this feeling was. But what we did no, was that it was special, and nobody else had it. And then time went on. We became closer and closer. Are friendship grew stronger and stronger. We never argued, only debated. (Which are two very different things). And then 5th grade came along. That’s when i finally got the nerve to ask her out. And she said yes. And we dated for probably 5 months or so, until it ended. The reason behind it ending was simple. We both thought that what we had wasn’t true. We believe that love was something like a fairy tale, and that it was an illusion and we would eventually loose it. So we tried to stop love before it stop us. Trying not to love her was the hardest ting I ever had to do. Its not easy denying something that is so true, but believed to be so unrealistic. She seemed to be doing fine without me. So I felt obligated to try and enjoy life without her, as she did me. But utterly, this didn’t last long. We became friends once again during 8th grade. We told each other everything. We were totally open to each others beliefs and we would have long conversations under the stars. We even named two stars based on us lying next to each other. Nights became late. During Freshman year we had one of the longest nights, lying on the rocks beside the lake, watching shooting stars. Are love for each other began to grow again, and we both knew it. Tat night I kissed her for the first time. Lying on the rocks, under the stars. When you kiss the person there is a rush that goes over your body. Something tells you whether or not the person is the person that your meant to be with for the rest of your life. And I felt that. So did she. We both became aware that night that the love we had was something that was so true. We were living are own Love Story. When we were with each other we made every second count. It was the most amazing thing. To love and be loved back. So a year went by and are love continued to grow, until we became Sophomores. She started hanging around with a new group of people. At school they were known as the “Druggies”. As you can tell by the name, this wasn’t best. One night in August she was trying to convince me to go to a party with her. I said no because I didn’t like the people she was hangin’ around with. This was the closet thing to and argument we ever had. So she went. Around 10:00pm I got a phone call. It was her. She told me that there had been drinkin’ and some of her friends had Bitched her out. She wanted to leave. I told her that I was on my way, but she didn’t want to wait. The house she was at was only about 5 minutes away. As I drove there I had this feeling. It can’t be described. There was just this feeling that I’d never had. As I was trying to understand what was happening I saw a car on the side of the road. It was crashed into a tree. I can remember glipsing down and seeing the time. 10:15pm. She didn’t want to leave her car there, so she tried to drive herself to my house, ignoring the fact that she was drunk. So now I’m here. Telling you my story. It’s hard going on without her. It’s been a year and I still cry every night. But I’m trying to fight my way through this. It’s hard not having the love, that I can never rememer not having. I’ve become so obsorbed in the memories, yet I’ve lost are stars to the night sky. But although I’ve lost us, everytime I look into the night sky, I see her eyes.

loving him is my secret  from my world I live in,

my heart is weighed down by this true fact that i am still in love him. 

why should i feel a shame by what i feel, we have history together i was   married to him,

 this is not like this is a sick crush we slept in the same bed together and made mad passionate love and conceived a child.to show our love for one another.

Thur this commitment we was to started a lineage because this was a action of love we want our unity to grow and start our own family tree,

but thing change for him and me our dreams fell  down a bottomless pit

 I cried,scream and throw a fit.

HE said he met someone else and she was his perfect fit,I was not his soul mate any more that she was it.

So I’m still reliving that life changing day like a lost soul trying to find her way.

Always trying to relive that moment to fix what I thought was not broke.

 I’m not crazy i know things will never be the same, it’s just hurts i need for this pain to go away.

People often criticize me for still loving him, so I stop making my feeling known.

 I already feel stupid I’ve been loving him for to long.

 He walked out my life and never looked back and started a life brand new

and left me mentally trapped

                                                 by: secret

one day i will stop loving you

I HAD A LOT OF HEART ACHE IN MY LIFE LOOSING A LOT OF PEOPLE , I HAD 2 GUYS THAT I REALLY HAD FEELINGS FOR NOT PUTTING NAMES BUT , ONE OF THEM I NEW FOR A LONG TIME AND WE WHERE LIKE BEST FRIENDS WELL COME TO FIN OUT I KINDA HAD STRONG FEELINGS FOR HIM BUT NOW HES GONE . AND THERES THIS OTHER GUY THAT I CANT GET OFF MY MIND THAT I WOULD DO ABOUT ANYTHING TO GET WITH HIM BUT 1 OF MY FRIENDS TOOK HIM BEHIND MY BACK AND NOW I DNT THINK I CAN EVER HAVE HIM AGAIN AND DATS THE HARDEST PART OF IT ALL AND IT HURTS , SO THATS MY STORY. I LOVE THEM BOTH DEEPLY .

-  Brook

he was persistent.

i was hesitant.

i gave him a chance.

i fell in love.

we were together and it was wonderful.

he left me for his ex girlfriend, and i spent the next months pining for him.

when i finally thought i had moved on i heard from him again…they had broken up…i took him back.

now he is saying he wants me back…but doesn’t act like it. i am completely and totally in love with him, so i can’t turn away from him. i know i should draw the line. it’s just tearing me up…knowing he is just using me to pass through when i’m hoping that it will last forever.

i love him. he doesn’t love me back. that’s the end of the story. 

The soft morning light of the summer shined through my window on August 30th. My best friend was driving over to my house so we could doll up for the music festival that was three days long ahead of us.  Like two normal teenage girls, we giggled and gossiped as we applied thick rock star-like eyeliner and light scarves.  

Our first stop was my boyfriends house.  He got us free tickets to this event.  Recently, he was acting weird.  He pressured me to do sexual things I knew I wasn’t ready for at that age.  We took the tickets from him, and with a kiss on the cheek we promised we’d meet up later.   

We entered the festival with grins on our faces and curious eyes.  The day passed quickly and soon it was the evening: the time our most anticipated concert began.  As we pushed our way though the crowd to the near front, we saw a boy who was amazingly cute.  We pushed a little harder until we were right in back of him and his two friends, who were also very good looking themselves.  Soon enough, we all started up a conversation.  The tall friend introduced himself last and I didn’t catch his name, but I was very interested in him. As soon as the music started playing, he stood right next to me and we talked throughout the concert.  The hypnotic music pulsed through our bodies and we danced.  He was so nice, he even had a really cool accent.  Eventually, at the end of the night, I picked up his name a number.  My friend and I agreed to meet the three of them the next day since we had free tickets.  Thoughts of my boyfriend never crossed my mind.   

The next day, my friend and I met the boys.  All day was spent laughing, tickling, joking, and going to day concerts.  He was so courteous; he didn’t try being a gross, perverted boy as I was used to.  But when he asked my age, i made the serious mistake of telling him I was one year older than I was.  It wasn’t too bad though, he was only two years older than I.  For the second time, the music of the night concert flowed through us and made his hands drift to my waist.  We swayed to the music together, a little slower than the fast beat like we were the only ones there.  And then suddenly as the music came to a sweet peak, he leaned around and kissed me first on the cheek, and then softly on my lips.  That was possibly one of the most magical moments of my entire life.  Later we went up into the sands and kissed some more.  We watched the concert and talked about his home country, back in Europe.  As stupid as it really does sound, we had so much to talk about and so much in common.

We sat around a fountain after the concert.  As he pulled me closer to protect me from the mist, I felt my heart tremble and eyes widen in excitement.  I knew that I liked him…almost too much than I possibly should.

The next day I didn’t see him much until the night.  At that concert, we joked and hugged.  Afterwords, he promised me he would call me…I sure hoped he would. 

Just like a true gentleman, he called a few days later to ask me out that coming Saturday.  When we met up, we ran around on the sandy beach and kissed like lovers in the woods.  After that, we talked everyday and went our almost every weekend and sometimes saw each other during the week for about 3 weeks.  It was a night in late September when he asked me if we could make this official (of course my boyfriend and I were finished).  I was ecstatic to say the least. 

The next month we did so much together.  We went everywhere in our city.  Those big hazel eyes and freckles could get me to do anything.  When he said things, he meant it and you could tell from the sincerity in his melodic voice.  He looked at me with the sweetest expression, the one every single girl in the world wants to get.  He kissed me so sweet and so soft.  We laughed together like nothing else in the world mattered.  I know everything sounds cliche and so sappy, but it was all true.  I was falling in love for the very first time in my life.   

One night, we sat on top of a hill that over looked the entire city.  He took a picture of me with his camera, then looked away from the screen, and just looked at me with his lips slightly upturned.  “You’re so beautiful.”  Those words still bring a smile to my face every time I think of that moment. 

I saw him one more time after that day.  We had a magical night together; I was almost positive he felt the exact same way as me.  I felt like I was in love.  
The next night I was at a party at my friends house.  He asked me to meet him on a dangerous but busy street because he was lonely taking the bus home.  I said I could not, for it was far too dangerous, and yet he still seemed angry.   

The next day, we did not talk at all.  That night I was the one who had to instigate the conversation.  He was dismissive and cold.  I asked him if he was angry with me and he simply replied ‘no’, even though I knew he was lying.   

The next day went the same.  I was so nervous all day to talk to him.  He was still mean and cold.  Later at about 9 that night, he called me.  “I don’t think we are working out” he said.  “What?” is all I could say.  He repeated his cold statement once more:  “I don’t think we’re working out.  “Oh. Okay.”, I said, completely dumbfounded.  “Yeah well….bye”.  Click.  That’s the last time I’ve ever heard from him.   

It has almost been three months since he broke up with me, and I still feel heart broken.  I have cried every single day since then, i miss him so bad.  What did I do so very wrong?I remember him talking about how he’s never had a happy Christmas season in the states because everyone lives in Europe.  I promised him that he’d have a great Christmas with me.  As Christmas day quickly approaches, my hear my heart beats a broken beat and I earn for him to just talk to me. All I want is an explanation.  The truth hurts,but I want to know.  My first love lost was sure painful.  I know I will find love again, but my heart still feels heavy.  If only he knows what has happened to me because of this.  The scars on my arm will stay forever, the fluctuation of my weight will effect my health forever, and the months of therapy ahead will remain a painful memory in my head.  Even though he broke my heart into pieces (or at least it feels like it), , I would have trouble saying that I couldn’t take him back.  I am still in love with him, and I think I always will be, with my first love.  Those were the happiest days of my life, and I morn the loss like I’ve lost one of the most important people in my life.   

If I could say anything to him, I would say this:  ******, I love you.  Though I never spoke those words, I truly mean them.  If you could forgive anything I possibly did wrong, that would mean to the world to me.  I miss you and wish for your return back into my life everyday.  When I was with you, I was the happiest I ever was in my entire life.  I’d do so much.  I’d learn your native language just to tell you how much I sill love you in that language.  I’d run to you in the middle of the night just to prove that I care.  I would write you a song. A letter. Please, think it over.  I I think of you every minute of everyday.  I love you .  I miss you…  You forever remain in my heart.  

I use to be a pessimist when it came to romance, its not because i went through a bitter experience but because I never actually had one. I thought love is merely a motive or tool of human nature that we unconciously (involuntarily) utilize to preserve the speciese, this idea is nothing new it is an idea german philosopher schopenhaur believed. Yes, I am a philosophy major in college, philosophy use to be my thing and I was a pessimist as well. But oneday my dad decided to send my to Turkey for a college field trip which I decided to go anyways. At first I didn’t want to go a week before the trip to Turkey because all I wanted to do i sleep at home in my own world. But My dad already paid for the ticket so I had no choice but to go. 

Now as I went to the airport to prepare for a lift off to turkey with a group of people who were also going I saw this girl from the distant. She was (and still is) beautiful and for the sake of my insecurity I keep her name anonymous. I don’t know what came to my mind but I thought she was the most beautiful girl i’d ever seen but in reaction to that thought I decided to assume that she’s arragont or egoistic (stuck up). I found out her real name and I decided that I should stay away from her. Why? because I heard rumors about her that she was the “bad girl” or the “naughty one”. My friend told me (or warned me) not to fall for this girl, but the funny thing was I already did. It couldn’t be helped.. But I only fell for her because I realize that the rumors about her were irrelevant because she’s an already different person, in other words she changed.

I kept looking at her, I couldn’t stop. I tried to stop. I thought I was crazy for looking at her so I told myself to stop or i’ll get myself into an awkward situation. But in the jewelry storei was looking at the jewelries out of curiosity and I felt like someone was standing next to me. I looked at who it was and it was her looking at some of the jewelries. I begin looking at her, and she then started to look at me. Embarrassed I turned my head and walked away. 

After the trip to turkey my friend (another firend) called me. We begin to talk and he aksed me if ther ewas anyone in the trip I liked. I told him that there was this girl (you know who) whom I liked and my friend tried to “interrogate” me. He made me admit that I had feelings for her which I initially denied. 

From then on my life wasn’t the same. I begin thinking about her 24/7. I tried to stop thinking about her because at the time I wasn’t really familiar with that feeling i had, and i didn’t know what it was called at the time. Is it love? or is it obessions? My friends kept telling me that this feeling i was having is natural, but i couldn’t accept that because its too strong for me to consider it as “normal”. I was scared of what I felt and it was only recently that i discovered that the only reason why i was scared of this feeling is because it reminded me of a similar situation when i was “in love” with this other girl long time ago. I burried that memory long time ago, probably into my unconcious level. My feelings for the girl now reminded me of the girl in the past, and thats what freaked me out. 

But that didn’t change anything. There were so many timese when I had the chance to take the opportunity to talk to her and develop a relationship, but at the same time i was simply too scared to get close to her. Rejection, disapointement, shame, a broken heart, and all other emotions are things i want to avoid. I always saw myself as detached and reserved, unwilling to be close to something. It was my deep attraction (or feelings) for her that went into a constant battle with my other personality that wants to avoid clsoe relationship. I wanted to be with her but at the same time I didn’t. I was also scared to talk toher because I keep having dreams that when I try to talk to her she simply ignores me, and that really hurts.

What’s ironic is she’s been to most of the school i’ve been to and she lives near my neighbor hood, we went to the same middle school and the same highschool, and now the samecollege.She’s a daughter of one of my favorite professors .Its funny how chances may deceptivelly disguise itself as the veil of fate or destiny, but;in reality everything is really by cause and effect, action and reaction, motion and interntion, laws of physics.

Right now i’m trying to get over my feelings but its really hard.I think about her so many times that it becomes a habit, and as we all know habbits die pretty hard. I wish I had the courage to tell her how I feel or at least talk to her and slowly develop a relationship I so desire, but that might never happen since its been a long time I talk to her. Is it love? It could have been if i gave it a chance to find out but I guess it’ll remain a mystery for the rest of my life. 

I first saw him in 2005 when we were at the store, coming from a small town you knew almost everyone that is noticeable. He was standing tall & lanky in his black jacket. In my head I could picture him turning towards, stretching out his hand to lead me into the sunset! Well that dream disappeared when he strolled past me to leave the store.

Two days later, we met again & this time I got the courage to say hi to him at the local casino while watching a football game…from then on I think it was safe to say that we were hooked on each other…months went by with our solid relationship. 

In 2007 I moved away to another town for work purposes and our relationship took a huge strain as we never have been apart from each other. This was in May month when I started my new job by the end of July we had totally lost contact and were leading separate lives on the 25th of August the same year he called me to tell me he misses me and wants us to work things out, he had gotten a transfer to the same town as me as a surprise, I was over the moon as I had news of my own to tell him, I was expecting our baby, I had only found out two afternoons before he called.
 
The same day he called he insisted on seeing me so that afternoon at knock I drove home, I was really excited as I had news of my own for him. I got home pretty late and I thought I would rest and see him the next day.

In the morning I got calls that I missed from his mobile and text messages and there was one particular text message that touched me, he told me he loved me so much and that he will until the end of time and he prays to God that I will never stop loving him because that is the one thing he ever cherished in his world. He never said goodbye always said cheerful things like see you later alligator or until soon. his mobile was off I started to stress I started to have pains in my stomach…then the call came in, my brother his best friend broke the news to me, He got involved in a car crash and didn’t make it…my baby didn’t too!  

It took me months to come to terms with it, still not easy, but writing this story just is prove that I’m healing…

The blessing is father & son are in God warm embrace together. May their souls rest in Peace

This is a story about a friend of mine. I love her dearly and feel as if her story needs to be told to as many people as will listen. She was a very sad girl most her life and she never really had anyone to relate to due to her hard circumstances. Her parents were addicts and this left her with few people who could possibly understand what she was going through. 

She longed for someone, anyone to give a damn about her. She would hope and wish that someday a person would come along who would understand her and love her for who she is, even though she was a little messed up and had a habit of crying over everything and nothing.  

One day her prayers were answered. 

She met a boy. She met a boy who was just like her. Lonely and misunderstood. They got along instantly.  

For a year they were together, only friends of course. and in this year they went through everything together. Deaths, break ups, they both had junkies for parents so whenever things got hard they would lean on each other and cry into each others arms. She was in love for the first time in her life.

But how do you let your best friend know something so profound?

This was a love she had never felt before, deeply consuming, confusing and all encompassing. This love bordered obsession. She thought about him every hour of every day. She would daydream about running away together and living like two free birds entwined in an everlasting love. all along never letting him know of her deep feelings.
 
Things began to change after a year. He started to withdraw from her. They barely spent anytime together anymore.

He started to use drugs.

He would drink himself into the hospital.

He began to cut and burn himself.

Never did he tell her of these things until she would see the cuts or burns.

Until she would call him and he would be so off his face he wouldn’t even know his own name. 

With his abscence she began to slip further and further into depression. She would self harm and later he would introduce her to drugs. Things became out of control. She loved him more than her own life and continued to be blind to his cruelties. He would leave her waiting for hours in the city all alone…just waiting. he started to act as if he didn’t care about her and as  if his distance was caused by her. She would constantly question him as to why he even spent time with her anymore because she felt so worthless.

This would upset him so much he stopped giving her an answer. This in turn made her feel that he was only using her for drugs

This continued until one night they found themselves wrapped in there first kiss together. She was estatic. he was semi drunk and stoned at the time.

This would be his excuse later on when she inquired as to why he kissed her. The random acts of making out continued for months until she couldn’t take it anymore. She asked why they hadn’t gone out yet and if he wasn’t intersted why did he kiss her? Once again she didn’t get an answer from him. So she continued with loving him and sacreficing for him.  

One night she was feeling unbeleiveably hurt by his apathy towards her and she text him saying goodbye and goodluck in life. and geuss what?

He didn’t care.  

she was doing good giving up her worst addiction until a freak storm passed through the area tearing off roofs of houses and injuring people. so consumed with  worry and fear she text him to see if he was ok.

He was fine but she would not be. She stayed in contact and eventually got him to admit to her that what she did hurt him. She of course felt guilty.

Things went back to how they were before. sad and unfufilling.

Out of the blue one day he tells her that he is moving out of the state. This crushes her. She is going on a family holiday in three days and by the time she gets back he would be gone. She tells him that she wants to see him the day before she leaves. Her plan is to tell him how she feels.  

The next day she tries to call him. no answer. she tries and tries for days but no answer. Finally the night before she leaves . His phone is answered.

All she hears is him yelling ”go away! you stupid slut and stop calling me!!”

He had never spoken to her like that. So disstraught and tearful at this outburst, she takes a razor to her wrists. She dies with the phone in her bloody hand.  

He wasn’t the one who had answered the phone. He had lost his phone at a concert the last night they had spoken. Someone else had found it.

HIs plan was to see her and tell her why he has been so out of control. He had bi polar. He also loved her with all his heart.  

This is a true story. It all happend to a close friend of mine.

Just goes to show that now is always the best time to tell someone you love them…You should never wait.

Yesterday when i was 16 years old, now 33,i fell for a young boy 18, that now is 35 and now is my ex-husband too,he was my fantasy come true. See when i was 16 and before i met my night in shining armor i had a beautiful baby boy, i got pregnant at 15. I was ashamed of me not my son.I felt bad and lost but when i met him, that guy, that float when he walked with a angel face and a tongue that could not tell a lie and that except me and my child and never looked at me out of a judging eye, i was enthralled by this and never new what hit me from their he took my breathe away. He gave me something that i should of gave him, he’s virginity, but he told me this after the fact. I told him if he would of told me that before the fact  I would of never laid with him because i felt that he should share his first time with someone that was as pure as him.,he reassured me that he thought it out and new i was the one to share this sacrifice of love with I felt blessed by his reasoning and he made it easier to excepted. Al thought I was young when I had a baby  I loved the lord but guilt and shame made it hard  for me to hold my head up but  I decided to go back to church even if that meant giving up my night and shining armour. One day I felt it was time to tell him that I made the choice to go back to GOD even if that meant losing him, but much to my surprise he was where i was at, a cross road of decision in our life to do the right thing so I joined his church and enjoyed every minute of it I was feeling better about my life. This young man love me so much that he never wanted me out of his sight my mother told me something was wrong with this picture but i reassured her it was because he loved me so much, how young dumb. I married him because it was the right thing to do in the sight of GOD! I was 18 and he was 20 when we got married. things got worse he began to accuse me of cheating even with people in the church making scene OH by the way i became with child again at 17 this is one of the factor why we got married and also i loved him but my night in shining Armour drained my youth  broke me down and left me for another young lady  and got married to her, told me i was no longer his soul mate before they got married the day he decide to call me up on the phone and make me aware of him leaving me for her we had our problems but i always felt we could work Thur anything i was wrong he walked out my life march 12 1995. Sometimes he will try to see whats going on in my life in his own way. I have gone on with my life and had another beautiful child that has added to my life but still at times i can feel the same hurt like  when he walked out my life for the first time with such hate and disregard  for what i Thought we shared together I never regret for marrying him i just regret for how it turned out, but life has gone on for me and him but at times not the hurt, DEC15,2008