Shakerules Diaries

BEFORE – You take my breath away.
AFTER – I feel like I’m suffocating.

BEFORE – She says she loves the way I
take control of a situation.
AFTER – She called me a controlling,
manipulative egomaniac.

BEFORE – Don’t stop.
AFTER – Don’t start.

BEFORE – Is that all you’re having?
AFTER – Maybe you should have just a
salad, Honey.

BEFORE – $60/doz.
AFTER – $1.50/stem

BEFORE – We agree on everything.
AFTER – Doesn’t she have a mind of her own?

BEFORE – Victoria’s Secret
AFTER – Fruit-of-the-Loom

BEFORE – I love a woman with curves.
AFTER – I never said you were fat.

BEFORE – Time stood still.
AFTER – This relationship is going nowhere.

BEFORE – You look so seductive in black.
AFTER – Your clothes are so depressing.

BEFORE – I can hardly believe we found each
other.
AFTER – I can’t believe I ended up with
someone like you.

BEFORE – Passion
AFTER – Good Night

BEFORE – Once upon a time
AFTER – The end

It turns out that what men and women want from relationships isn’t so different.   ~ By Brian Fairbanks

Besides the meaning of life and the ingredients of hot dogs, many a man has questioned “what exactly do women want?” We’re not playing coy here, we know we’re complex creatures. And, true, we operate on a different wavelength than men. The best example of our gender difference comes from an article we read last year about why men cheat. The most compelling testimony was from a transgender man who’d undergone hormone therapy during his transition. Thanks to testosterone, the man noticed less of an emotional attachment to sex and more of a physical urge to engage, regardless of consequences. Fascinating.

So, we’re different. But, women aren’t exactly the great mystery that men often make us out to be. The proof? We polled the YourTango staff and compiled a list of 10 simple things women want. Note: you won’t find diamond rings or other fancy things anywhere on this list. While many women really do want luxury goods from men, when you break it down they are just physical representations of some of the points on this list. We promise.

Respect.  Show us through your actions that you respect our opinions, careers, interests, friends, bodies and minds. You don’t have to agree with all that we say or do, but try to honor our opinions as valuable contributions. Follow the golden rule and treat us as you would like to be treated: Be honest, fair, kind, and considerate.

Sex.  Yes, we love sex. But, remember that there are four bases to cover in the bedroom, not just one. Try stopping at each base instead of being so focused on the home run—believe us, we’ll thank you for it! Likewise, remember small physical touches like massages. One can never, ever, have too many shoulder rubs. And scratching our heads is pretty great, too.

Romance.  It’s another night on the couch with take-out and TiVo? Just because we’re staying in doesn’t mean the evening can’t be romantic. Light a few candles and see where the night leads. Treat us like your girlfriend, even after we become your wife. Date nights, making out in thecar, kissing like when we first started dating—all of the things that made us fall in love with you don’t have to stop just because now there are bills to pay, a house to be cleaned, and kids that need to get bathed. Bring home flowers for no reason. We’re not talking $100 bouquets of roses here. Even the $10 bouquets from the supermarket are enough to make us smile.

Time.  We understand relationships can’t be all wine and roses; simply making the time to be with us and treating us like your top priority says “love” more than all the fancy gifts and lovely letters ever could. This includes helping around the house. The realities of a 21st-century relationship are that both partners probably work. If you happen to get home before we do, why not take vacuum the living room or throw in a load of laundry? If you take the garbage out without being asked, chances are you’ll be getting a big ole smooch when you come back.

Dinner.  Of the homemade variety. You may not be good at cooking and you may not know how to boil water. But greeting us at the door after a long day with fish sticks (or whatever you can wrastle up) makes us swoon, because it shows that you’ve been thinking about us and our hectic day.

Communication.  Women are vocal creatures. We know you love us, but it’s nice to hear you say it, too. We can also be insecure. We wish we weren’t, but the reality is that we often notice our wobbly thighs and forget about our gorgeous eyes. So let us know when you think we’re hot. Tell us we’re beautiful. It helps us feel good. Plus, when we feel sexy we’re more likely to act sexy. Words of appreciation aren’t half-bad either. Tell us you love the lasagna we made. Thank us for driving the kids to school. Notice that we cleaned the bathtub. It doesn’t have to be over the top, just let us know that you see the effort we put in, and you’re grateful.

Consistency.  This doesn’t mean be boring and predictable. It means that we know you will (usually, no one is perfect!) give us the love and support we need. Knowing that you’re coming at this with the same desires and energy as we are goes a long way to making us feel secure.

Engagement.  Of the mental kind, not the “I’m getting married in the morning” kind. You don’t have to like everything we like (we might be a little concerned if you do), but showing interest in our passions, be it career-related, a sport or a hobby, goes a long way. Listen when we talk to you. We’re not speaking just so we can hear our own voice; we want to connect with you and this is one valuable way we do this. This also means paying attention to the little things. Whether it’s the name of your best friend’s husband or the fact that you hate Nicolas Cage movies, it’s the little things you remember about us that’s so endearing.

Humor and Humility.  These two tend to go hand in hand. This doesn’t mean that you have to crack jokes or entertain us, but just being able to laugh at yourself is enough. Guys who take themselves too seriously bring everyone down.

Challenge. Not the kind that makes a relationship constant work, but the good kind that surprises and motivates us to do, be or achieve what we desire. Studies show that partners who prod each other to meet goals—in other words, don’t support lazy or bad habits—are ultimately happier than those who don’t hold each other accountable.

To love, to like, to enjoy being with each other and to make each other happy – these are what dream relationships are made of. The couple loves each other. How to know if it is true love? How to decide if it is not passing infatuation? How does one test true love?

The test of love comes in crisis. If your partner tells you that he/she loves you, then he/she should be there with you even at the cost of all comforts and at times even his/her life. That is how most mothers love their children. But what about romantic love. The test of that love is same. Both of you will be with each other through thick and thin. None of you will walk away leaving one all alone to face a crisis after professing so much about love. You will give each other support and encouragement to face that crisis. It is not a single partner’s crisis. It is a crisis for both of you. That is true love.

Why does false love still take many of you in? This love will vanish when you will need it most? Worse, if you have already supported your beloved during his/her crisis. It will hurt more. False sincerity takes one in. Misjudgment takes you in on your part. The signs of love vanishing are all there, but one refuses to believe them in the beginning. You refuse to believe that someone you love so much will turn out to be an individual with no integrity.

If you are looking for test of true love, wait till something very bad happens. If your partner stays with you in that phase, that is love, otherwise it was only talk of love.

All of you are different. You have different emotional make-up. You grew up differently in your childhood and you have different value systems. Some of you have a predominant emotion that may be constructive or destructive. You have your own way to look at relationships. Your motivations are different and you derive satisfaction with different goals.

Lovers are equally different. Take any lover, and you will find a unique specimen. Though lovers can be broadly classified, lets see what can be different amongst them. To begin with how do people look at love? Some of the lovers have a great fear of rejection and therefore they avoid getting involved in an intimate relationship beyond a limit. Some lovers feel good, if someone loves them. That satisfies their urge to know that they are worthy and good. So love reassures them about their worth.

One may find lovers who want to give all they can to their partner without expecting anything in return. They want to please their partner. But such lovers may get frustrated after giving for a long time and begin complaining about not receiving anything in return. Some lovers are weak inside and seek a partner to protect them. They may or may not show this need, but will complain if the need of protection is not satisfied. Some lovers are successful in their life. They are confident and self-dependent. They know how to express healthy love, but may ignore the partner after sometime, if the partner does not match their intellectual skills. Similarly, you may find a lover who will not express love in words but does his/her best to care for the lover. There are many more kinds of lovers.

What does this all mean? This means that human beings are complicated individuals and love, being an extension of the personality, is equally difficult to understand. What kind of lover are you and what kind of lover is your partner? Think about that. If you try, you can find out something that can be changed to make your love life much better and satisfying.

How do you gauge yourself if you really like someone? Is it just a crush, emptiness of the heart, or is real true love you felt? What signs and symptoms tells you that? ‘I saw her, I talked to her, I was mesmerized with her and I wanted her to be mine forever. I saw him. I got smell of his body. I went in a trance. I was looking at his hair. He was looking so masculine. I want him forever to be mine.’

Why do you like some one? That person may not be great looking if you take a poll, but someone falls for him/her immediately. Why does this happen? What is the chemistry? Why do you find someone irresistible? What is the secret of that? Lot many love stories have been written around this love at first sight. The prince saw the princess and the princess saw the prince. Both fell in love with each other forever. This is what romance is made of. What is this and how does this happen?

You manage to lose your senses; your thinking ability and your head. Your heart overrules everything. You want that person. You try every way possible to meet and win over that person. You pass sleepless nights and pass days in a trance thinking of him/her. You are not able to live without that person for a moment. That single thought displaces every other thought. Life becomes oriented to a single goal – ‘I want her/him.’

A lot has been written about romantic love. No one has reached any conclusion about how such love develops. There are different theories about it, but can love be ever defined in terms of chemicals? Ultimately what will science achieve by finding out about the how and why of such romantic love that is heavenly? The best thing if you fall in such love is to preserve it carefully. Under no circumstances, let anything happen to destroy it. It is very precious. Take care of it.

Many of us come across this movie-like situation. You like a girl and your best friend also likes the same girl. Or you like a boy and your best friend likes the same boy. What should be done? On one side, you have a long standing friendship and on the other side you have love that may be passionate. This does create a difficult situation. Let us talk about it.

Finally either both the friends have to give away their love and maintain their friendship, or one friend has to get love and the other has to sacrifice. In the second situation, the friendship may remain intact or may break up. What is the best way out?

One comes across many people discussing this kind of situation and what always surprises is, that they don’t first talk to the girl or the boy they have fallen in love with. Why not find out who is preferred by the object of love and decide accordingly? Both the friends should talk about common love with as much clarity as possible with each other and then decide not to sacrifice their friendship for love. After that, they should approach their love and find out what he/she thinks about both of them. It may so happen that the other party is not in love with either of them. Straight talk and making things rational instead of emotional helps in such situations. Remember in this situation, guessing game does not help at all! The only best appropriate way is to talk to the boy or girl you have fallen in love with.

Before finding about you, lets define attraction. What is attraction? Attraction means to draw attention towards you. Others when they notice you, should feel good and try to find out more about you. They should come towards you. It is like a magnet attracting iron particles. What about you?

What do others think about you? Has anyone complimented you about your particular qualities? Have you been complimented about your looks, or attraction? Talk to some of your friends- both men and women. Ask them about what they think about you. What attracts them towards you and what repels? Make a list. Look at the positives and try to improve upon them. Look at the negatives and improve. If needed, take an expert’s opinion. Many times, the problem is that we are so narcissistic that we do not look at ourselves in totality.

Unless you look attractive to others, you will not make a social impact. Do not dissolve your individuality but add flavor to it so that others find it more interesting.

Do you love yourself ? Many of us here are guilty of not asking ourselves this. Even if we do ask ourselves this, how do we tell or know if we love ourselves? Most of us are searching for love. We all hear so much about love, watch it in the movies and listen to songs of love. Somehow that kind of love does not happen to us. Whether such passionate romantic love can exist in today’s world? That is a big question. Even if you fall in such love, it will phase out after some time leaving a vacuum.

How about loving ourselves? Most of us do a lot of self beating. We regret our decisions, strain our bodies to make achievements, stress ourselves at most of the times about something or else. We give no peace and love to ourselves. Look at a child in the lap of mother. The child is at peace and is totally protected by mother. The kid is totally relaxed. How about mothering yourself?

How about forgetting your worries for a certain period during the day? Just relax and pamper your mind and body? Only relax. Relax and let all the strain go away. Think of nothing. No worries, no tension, no goals, no achievements, no projects, no exams, no promotions. Only yourself. Love yourself for what you are. No criticism. No self beating. No memories of good or bad. Only love for yourself. Let that love Overwhelm you with total peace. Love yourself.

We act brutally with ourselves many times. We don’t need others to do that, because we do it wonderfully well ourselves. Are you one of such people? How much do you love yourself?

For many of us, love begins with deep passion, romance, and hot steamy sex. This is what I call the first stage of love, the euphoric stage. You are together all the time, love everything about each other, see no faults in one another, and cannot seem to keep your hands off each other. As time goes by, you get to know one another. The party manners disappear, and you begin to see that your loved one is not so perfect, after all. This is the point where, if you are expecting perfection in another person, you will become disenchanted, and the relationship will end. You cannot expect perfection in anyone, including yourself. If you do, you are living your life in fantasy, and always will be disappointed.

Contemplate this for a moment: you have just met the person of your dreams. You are attracted to this person physically; he or she has a great sense of humor, is affectionate, romantic, and a fabulous lover. Your new partner does all the right things, pushes all the right buttons, and you have — and I hate this phrase — fallen head over heels in love. One day, your perfect, remarkable partner begins to irritate you. You may discover that this person is a slob. All of a sudden, you cannot stand being in his or her place because it’s such a pig pen. One day you notice that your once-flawless love, who has run out of clean underwear, goes to the laundry hamper to retrieve a slightly less soiled pair. You go into the bathroom to find it flooded with water from the shower, his razor stubble, or her make-up and toothpaste, lining the sink. To top it all off, if it is a man in question, he left the lid up or did not flush the toilet. So do you dump this person? Based on my experiences in life, I do not think you should.

This is an extreme example, but it could happen. Love will reach a stage where you will begin to notice your partner’s shortcomings — things that you may have overlooked before. So what do you do? Do you give up? Relationships end for many at this point, because the fantasy has been shattered. He or she is not that perfect, after all. When you come to this point, you have graduated to the next stage of relationship. It’s a challenge, an invitation, to achieve a new level of intimacy with your partner. Many of us choose, at this point, not to communicate our needs or feelings, but rather to detour into anger. Out of fear, some of us repress our feelings. In many cases, we just plain run as fast as we can. These are all just normal human reactions, when faced with this awakening. Should you choose to be angry, or if you choose to repress your feelings or to run, you are missing the opportunity to rise to the next level of intimacy.

Euphoric love ends for a reason: it is a time when your brain starts having more input than your hormones. When euphoric love ends, you have come to a stage in the relationship where you are thinking seriously about a future with your partner. Questions come to mind, such as: “Can I live with this person, the way he/she is right now?”; “Would I want to have children with this person?”; “Do I want to share the rest of my life with this person?” These are big questions, and they tend to elicit fear. The fear is totally normal, but it catches many of us off guard. Many of us take this fear as a sign that the relationship is not meant to be. In reality, this fear is a reflection of how important your relationship is becoming. When we start to consider a future that includes our partner, we tend to look at them more critically. While this is natural, it’s important not to forget the positives that brought you together in the first place. Celebrate this stage in your relationship: it’s a sign of growth, a love relationship on the rise. Remember, the art of loving is a lifelong commitment. It is the further development of learning to love ourselves, our partner, and all those around us.

If you and your partner decide to commit to the further development of your relationship, you need to know that this is when the real work begins. Love cannot sustain itself. As Erich Fromm wrote in The Art of Loving, published in 1956, “The art of loving is like any craft. It requires patience, confidence, discipline, concentration, faith, and practice daily.” These are words to remember. Relationships change continually. As relationships grow, the level of commitment increases and the love matures. Mature love does not occur overnight. It develops over time, and requires that you give of yourself. Examine your priorities: it all starts with loving yourself first, then loving your partner, and, finally, loving your family. Mature, committed love is the most powerful experience imaginable. It is the foundation of your relationship; without it, there really is no relationship.

Being possibly the most trivial question of all time, this is one hard question to ask.

Love is not a bond, or a relationship, but more of a heart to heart conversation. When the conversation grows, the bond and relationship forms. Therefore, love creates the bond and relationship.

Still, that leaves us with the main question, what is love?

Love is no ordinary thing. It is not voluntary, but when it begins, you will know.

There are three types of love. Infatuation, love of family, and love of your spouse.

Infatuation, most commonly known as “Puppy Love”, is basically love at first sight.

Infatuation can be the beginning of a future spouse love. Though most often infatuation doesn’t amount to much.

Love of family is loving your mother and father, and any siblings you may have. You want to protect them, watch over them, and fill their lives with an unbounding joy. The parents have an innermost feeling for their children, which in my case, they express everyday.

Love of your spouse means loving someone you are married to. Whether husband or wife, you support your spouse with a deep modesty, and you treat them with great respect.

Okay, so I told you the three types of love. But I still haven’t told you what love is. I told you a definition, a heart to heart conversation, but does that tell you much? No. So, I will put it straight.

Love means to care, to protect, to watch over, to pray for, to make sure the loved person is happy. But to tell you the truth, those are all parts of love. Not love itself.

So, I will tell you what I think of love. Love has a meaning, but we will never know. Many philosophers have tried, but all their attempts have failed. Every single one of them!

Love is actually never the same thing.

Your destiny, your future path, what you choose to do, that all determines what love is. Love is never the same, you make up the meaning of love by how you choose to use it.

Love is a word used in many contexts. It can mean anything from lust, desire or attachment to romantic love or the highest Spiritual Love.

The purity of our love can be measured by the happiness it brings us. When we suffer because of our so called «Love» this means that it is not yet pure. It is mixed with ignorance, need, attachment, fear, lust, expectation, dependency or other mental states. These are always the real causes of our suffering when we «love».

Love then is like the gold ore, which is dug up from the earth. It is mixed with other minerals. We need to heat it up and melt it so that we can separate it from the other unwanted substances.Our relationships with people close to us are the fires, which help us to purify our love. Every time we feel hurt, anger, fear, resentment, bitterness, hate, jealousy, disillusionment or any other negative feeling, it is because our love is mixed with expectation, dependency, need, attachment or fear. The negative feelings, which are generated, are an excellent incentive for us to analyze ourselves and discover what our attachment is and get free from it.

Then we can love a little more purely. Our gold is now a little purer.

When our love is pure and there is spiritual awareness of our true selves, there can be no suffering.

This is the purpose of life; purifying and perfecting our love.

“At the end of life, our questions are very simple: Did I live fully? Did I love well?” ~Jack Kornfield

We all grow up with some healthy stories about love and some unhealthy ones. I learned some beautiful, life-giving ideas about love, ideas like these:

• Loving people means believing in their potential.
• Love means treating people with kindness and gentleness.
• Loving the people in your life means celebrating their successes and cheering them on.

But I also grew up with some stories about love that I came to see weren’t so helpful. Those ideas about love bred problems in my relationships.

One of those stories was: Loving someone means always being available to them. (Turns out, it’s not true, and living as if it is breeds resentment.)

Another was: Loving someone means always having space for what they want to talk to you about. (Turns out, not true either!)

Another myth about love: If you love someone, you do what they are asking you to do, out of love, even if it feels difficult. (I can tell you, that doesn’t work so well.)

I’ve developed my own guidelines for loving the people in my life, guidelines that express how I want to relate to the people around me.

These are some of my guidelines for loving:

1. Tell them about their brilliance. They likely can’t see it and they don’t know its immensity, but you can see it, and you can illuminate it for them.

2. Be authentic, and give others the gift of the real you and a real relationship. Ask your real questions. Share your real beliefs. Go for your real dreams. Tell your truth.

3. Don’t confuse “authenticity” with sharing every complaint, resentment, or petty reaction in the name of “being yourself.” Meditate, write, or do yoga to work through anxiety, resentment, and stress on your own so you don’t hand off those negative moods to everyone around you. Sure, share sadness, honest dilemmas, and fears, but be mindful: don’t pollute.

4. Listen, listen, listen. Don’t listen to determine if you agree or disagree. Listen to get to know what is true for the person in front of you. Get to know an inner landscape that is different from your own, and enjoy the journey. Remember that if, in any conversation, nothing piqued your curiosity and nothing surprised you, you weren’t really listening.

5. Don’t waste your time or energy thinking about how they need to be different.  Really. Chuck that whole thing. Their habits are their habits. Their personalities are their personalities. Let them be, and work on what you want to change about you—not what you think would be good to change about them.

6. Remember that you don’t have to understand their choices to respect or accept them.

7. Don’t conflate accepting with being a doormat or betraying yourself. Let them be who they are, entirely. Then, you decide what you need, in light of who they are. Do you need to make a direct request that they change their behavior in some way? Do you need to take care of yourself better? Do you need to set a boundary or to change the relationship? Take care of yourself well, without holding anyone else in contempt.

8. Give of yourself, but never sacrifice or compromise yourself. Stop if resentment is building and retool. Don’t do the martyr thing. It helps no one and nothing.

9. Remember that everyone you encounter was created by divine intelligence and has an important role to play in the universe. Treat them as such.

10. If you want to keep growing emotionally and spiritually for the rest of your life, accept this as your mantra and try to live as if it were true: Everything that I experience from another human being is either love, or a call for love.

What are your guidelines for loving the people in your life?

We often use this word in our daily conversation but most of the people are not aware about the exact meaning of feelings and even don’t know what to do with their feelings. Feelings are the emotions and sentiments of every person which he feels at some special occasions or at the time of pain or trial. There are many kinds of feelings like happiness, sadness, sorrow, pain, worry, excitement and many more heart touching feelings.

In our life there come different occasions and events when it becomes difficult to understand that whether we are happy or sad. Then it becomes very irritating and confusing to express the feelings. But it is admitted fact that feelings are much important in our life. It is the thing which makes you feel that you are alive. It is said that there are no feelings and emotions in dead bodies. Live people are energetic, fresh and full of emotions and feelings.

Most of the time we feel many things about someone special or for your loved ones but you do not express it to them. This thing makes your feelings meaningless. At this a question arises that

“Is that necessary to express your feelings?”

If anybody asks this question to me then I’ll say yes it is very necessary but the most necessary thing to express your feelings. If you do not express your feelings to others then how would they realize that what you like or not?

Suppose you are in love with some one you care that person a lot but you never tell that person that you are in love with that person then how would you expect that he or she will respond you. It is true that feeling can be read from eyes but sometimes it becomes very necessary to tell thatwhat you feel.

This thing is not confined to lover’s relation only. It is required in every relation like parents want that their children come near them and say how much their children love them. Friends want to know that how much they are important for you. Every person feels happiness when he knows that some one is very caring about me and loves me very much.

Now a second important thing is that how we can express our feelings. There are many ways to express your feelings like in words mean you can say your feelings. Secondly you can express your feeling by touching that person. The most powerful way to express your feeling is touchingthat person. The touch of that person make you feel secure. Touching is very important. It is scientifically proved that when the mother touches her child then her child grows in better way.

If you do not believe then make an experiment whenever you feel uneasy or feel some tension then go straight to your mother and lay down in her lap. When she will ask kindly and hug you tightly and kiss you then you will feel that you are in secure place. If unfortunately you have lost your mother then go to your nearest friend and hold his hand tightly. If he would be your true friend then he will feel that you are in tension and he will try to solve your problem.

Please try these experiments and fill your life with feelings and emotions. If these experiments work then please let me know and keep remember me in your prayers. Hope you got understand the feelings and what to do with heart touching feelings of your heart.