Shakerules Diaries

I do not know how to express the conflicting emotions that have surged like a storm through my heart all night long. I only know that first and foremost in all my thoughts has been the glorious confirmation you gave me last night – without effort, unconsciously, of course – of all I have ever thought of your mind and heart.

You have the greatest soul, the noblest nature, the sweetest, most loving heart I have ever known, and my love and admiration for you have increased so much since we’ve known each other that it still amazes me.

You are more wonderful and lovely in my eyes than you ever were before; and my pride and joy and gratitude that you should love me with such a perfect love are beyond all expression.

People need people and friends need friends
And we all need love for a full life depends
Not on vast riches or great acclaim,
Not on success or on worldly fame,
But just in knowing that someone cares
And holds us close in their thoughts and prayers-
For only the knowledge that we’re understood
Makes everyday living feel wonderfully good,
And we rob ourselves of life’s greatest need
When we “lock up our hearts” and fail to heed
The outstretched hand reaching to find
A kindred spirit whose heart and mind
Are lonely and longing to somehow share
Our joys and sorrows and to make us aware
That life’s completeness and richness depends
On the things we share with our loved ones and friends.

-Helen Steiner Rice

Noah: I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I’ve led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who’s ever lived: I’ve loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough.

You type a letter in great urgency. You pour all your thoughts, before you forget them. But then you linger just before clicking the “send” tab. After a moment of indecision, you decide that some thoughts are better left unsaid. You slowly “delete” the words, which you have typed painstakingly.
Ours was such a “love story” dear. A love letter never meant to be sent. A “love history” always cherished by the individuals but not shared as a couple.

I remember looking at you the first time. I gawked at your person, unable to tear my eyes away, unable to look at the ball coming my way. My first impression was that you looked like my cousin. My second thought was that, “Here comes another aggrieved soul! Another guy in search of his dreams!”
You looked young for you age. I thought that you were a first year student who wanted to play ball badminton. Or even an aspirant to settle down in a foreign country. My presumption turned out to be partly correct. You WERE trying to go abroad, but was not there seeking my help.

I was pleasantly surprised, when you asked me out. Even though I turned your offer down for two consecutive days, I was secretly happy as well as ashamed of the fact that I was happy because a guy like you asked me out! I waited eagerly for you turn up on the third day too, but you never showed up. It turned that you have left the town. I was disappointed.

After that, I should have left that episode to rest. I should never have answered your mail, nor have attended your phone call. There have been moments when I rewind to that moment of longing … that moment of hesitation before I pressed the “send” button, of my first e-mail. I wish that I suddenly came to my senses and pressed “discard” instead. It was not the first had I done that. but then as history would be I “fell” for you and there was no turning back.

Our “love” grew, nursed by distant phone calls and daily mails. Driven together by “providence”, we met soon and consummated our long awaited relationship. It was a simple date, filled with delicious explorations and pure fun. True that our “love making” happened in a romantic first class train coupe. But was it? We were never relaxed and it took long for the ice to break. Our long distance relationship had taken its toll on our emotions and much time was spent in constrained silence. In our hurry to experiment what we talked “on phone”, we forgot the fact that we had not developed enough confidence or trust. The “love making” was more about the past promises than it was about living for the moment. In the end, when it was time to part, something was sorely missed. All promises were vanquished.

I miss you a lot, these days. It is almost painful. It is even palpable to those around me. Ironically I never shared those words with you. Even, when we were together I was rarely “content”. Which led me to ask myself, Do I really miss “You”?

Or is it just the “feeling of love” that I miss? One would say that we were in love with an “ideal person” who was more “virtual” than “real”. Could it be because we filled up the silences with our own perception of the significant other? We never made any new memories together, even when there were opportunities.

Once you said that you did not recognize the person you “fell in love with”. You said you were afraid, that I will turn out to to be the cold person, who was sitting with you then. It is true dear, as I now realise that we never really knew each other.

This is like a love story where you know that the hero and heroine are going to separate in the end. Where people commit to love making, well aware of the “partition” looming ahead. Or was it the “end” being so near that inspired the couple in the first place?

Now my perception is clear. What I see are two losers, who were dying to get laid. Losers who wanted to have a “Safe” relationship. The “knowing” that the other will not let you down, whatever may you do/ demand. Today despite having realized each other’s dream, we still cannot let go of this “futile relationship”. It is more of a “drag” than an “inspiration”. Our love story is a lesson to me that sometimes:- at moments of great “consternation”, it is better to press “discard” rather than downloading a malware and upsetting your whole system. Or at least one should be grown-up enough to “Love and Let go”.

(Screen) Name: KeAtS

Me a sucker for love?!

IT ALL HAPPENED IN FALL 2008 right after the Beijing Olympics. I had started getting in shape that spring after years of needing to do so. As I was flipping channels during Beijing this person captures my eyes… this guy was breath taking in a way where it was his eyes that had me glued. I didn’t know who he was or anything. I remember just thinking to myself who are you? So anyways, a month later I was out with a friend for a bit. I wasn’t supposed to be out late because I had my first triathalon sprint to do the next morning. The first bar we wanted to go into was at capacity so I suggested we go around the corner. We start to dance and drink all of a sudden I imagined the guy I saw on tv had walked right passed me. I was certain that it was him but what the hell would he be doing in my town being that it wasn’t the average hot spot for out of towners. I kept dancing I notice him noticing me, we look at each other looking at each other. It was killing me to know if it was him?

I decided to go to the bathroom to do what I do best…google on my iphone images. As I am walking to bathroom someone puts there hands on my waist and introduces himself! It was him! The guy that I had been looking at. He says his name asks me to dance, I said I needed to go to the bathroom but, maybe later. Little did he know I was going to the bathroom to google. I start the google process my heart starts beating fast as I see the images pop, the very name that he introduced himself with showed! No way!!! At this point I didn’t know what to do? I wasn’t drunk, I was not sober. I left the bathroom to do what I thought was my best option. I figured if I got drunk I would make better decision at this point. I start to feel like I better go dance with him before my chance is over. But I needed fresh air to gather my thoughts. I was on my way out when he grabbed me and ask again, I said when I come back inside I will dance with you. So I did just that after a few minutes he greats me with a big hug and we danced all night! He never separated from me! I just could not believe any of it! we exchanged numbers, he wanted to see me before he left. Turns out he was there for a photo shoot. He lived in the east coast, great! Just great!

Anyways it has been 2 years with this Oct 2010. When we met I was not interested in anything serious because I was recouping from a broken heart, so he was perfect. But then I fell for the idea of that story that was real. I figured why not? I will keep in touch until I meet someone new. I felt like the fist year came and went and all I could think of was him and all our new ventures. At the same time I felt like If I didn’t let go maybe I wouldn’t be able to meet the one or atleast someone one in California “of substance” I even signed up online to see if I could get distracted with a pool of men. With my luck you wouldn’t believe what happened. Within a week with online dating crap someone sent me a picture with himself and none other than the guy from the tv that I was trying to forget about to begin with. It was a sick coincidence, as the person was trying to show off ?! That online idea went right out the window for me. I Gave up trying to forget him after he contacted me by text again that week. We started to keep in touch again and I just felt like I needed out because I had fallen for him, and I was not going to be that girl to tell him. Because when a guy falls for you he tells you. So I sent him an email and I said to him that he was an amazing thing that happened to me. Thanks for entering my life, bringing a smile to my face, but it was time to move on with my fantasy life into a real one. Actually the email I sent was rather awesome! It was a story in itself!

I have moved on in life, I am open to love that is open to me and available…I just cant forget all the times that we had shared. Well it doesn’t matter because I feel like I experienced a moment that will always be remembered! A moment in time where the unlikely was likely! The moment where hope was found and love was resurrected in me. If that was all it was, then I am a believer of love. That moment fueled my jets for ever. I feel like in any instant that I think about it, It brings both joy and questions. I have hopes that one day the romance and love that lives within my thoughts comes knocking on my door to find me. The question was am I a sucker for love? The answer is yes! I want to believe in love, I love the word love, the thought of it puts a smile on my face. The feeling of having it in my life , brings a warm feeling to me that nothing else could. Timing is everything, so was the space that separated us, the fears, the uncertainty of the unknown. What Is love… for me it was that very experience that will live In me forever.

(Screen) Name: rylove84

I feel a slight twinge of shame when saying it, but I met my current boyfriend and possibly last boyfriend on the popular networking site, Facebook.

It all started about a month before final exams, and I was procrastinating as usual on Facebook. Specifically, I was browsing through the popular YouTube make up artist: Michelle Phan’s Facebook fan page comments. While scrolling down, a face caught my eye. He was “cute” as you may describe it, so I decided to take a look at his comment. It stated something about Michelle never messaging him back and therefore she was mean. Being somewhat of a “troll” myself, I could tell this was an subtle and well played attempt at trolling, and that many would be “butthurt”; and many were. Feeling that it would be the most polite thing to do, I calmly commented how he was just joking, in a way, and that people should just stop overreacting.

He thanked me and added me shortly after. I wasn’t expecting that, as I thought the comment would just be a passing event, but after accepting the friend request, I messaged him with a “Hi ”. He was cute anyway.

From there, we started talking, first through Facebook messages and chat, then through msn. I actually used to have a bad habit of flirting with guys online, and at the time I also even had a boyfriend, though not a very good one. During those days that I would talk to this boy on msn, he was just another guy that I would flirt with, just another person to occupy my time. I also found out he was 5 years older than me, and at the age of 15, I wasn’t expecting anything to happen anyway. It was harmless and all in good fun, but from the way he talked to me, it seemed like he felt more, although I had no idea how that could cross his mind at such an early stage. One day, he asked me if we could talk on the phone. I felt reluctant, as I usually limit myself to online, but eventually I agreed and we talked.

That night we talked for approximately 5 hours, all the way into the morning. We joked, had deep conversations, and he voiced how he was attracted to me…*really* attracted to me. I was slightly taken aback, as I thought the way he talked to begin with was slightly, how may I put it, gay sounding, so I wasn’t too eager to reciprocate the feeling, but I was still happy to call him my good friend.

A few weeks passed, and the exams were over with, and my current boyfriend was going back to Hong Kong for the summer. The guy that I was talking to online and now on the phone for hours convinced me to break up with my boyfriend, so I did. It actually lifted a great weight off my shoulders, and I appreciated the phone guy, who we shall call “David”, that much more.

Time went on, and eventually, I grew more and more attracted to him, up to the point where I really liked him, but I wasn’t sure where it would go. We shared everything with each other, our family stories, friend stories, secrets, tears, laughter, and happiness. That month, I was to go on a 10 day trip to Italy with my school choir; I waited all afternoon before the plane ride at the airport for him to call. He called while we were boarding the plane, and while we were talking, he shyly said,

“Hey…hey…you’re cute. Hey…hey….you’re beautiful. Hey…hey…… I love you.”

I got tears in my eyes and replied,

“I love you too…I’m going to miss you so much.”

“I’m going to miss you a lot too my princess. Don’t worry though, I’ll find a way to call you, to get to you. Anything for my princess.”

My heart felt so conflicted, both swelling with love, while also prickled with sadness to think that I wouldn’t be able to talk to my David for 10 days…

The next morning, while sleeping in my Italian room with my roommate, the phone rang. I was still asleep, so my roommate picked up, and after realizing who it was, woke me up to give me the phone.

I muttered a groggy, “Hello?”

“Hunnie!”

“Bearbear!” (My nickname for him hehe)

“Aw babe, did I wake you up from sleeping? Do you want to go back to sleep for a bit?”

“No, no, no. It’s almost time to wake up anyway, and I want to talk to you.”

He asked me to be his girlfriend that day, June 26th, 2010. I found it silly that he even had to ask, because he already knew I loved him and would be more than happy to be his girlfriend! Silly bear.

Anyway, that entire trip, all I could think of was him. All my shopping was for souvenirs to send to him (he lives 3 hours away by plane), and he would call me every night, no matter how expensive the rate was. That trip, even though we were further apart, it was the distance that actually strengthened our relationship even more.

After returning from Italy, we had our ups and downs, but they were always resolved, and they added to the strength of our connection and love for each other. I ended up telling my older and younger sister, and my best friend, all of whom disapproved heartily, but I didn’t let them affect what we were. The past month or two have been hard though, because I have been with either my sisters or with my best friend on vacation, on and off for a week at a time, so I have not had enough time or privacy to talk to David.

Currently, I am visiting my older sister in the States with my younger sister, and it is simply too risky to talk to my bearbear on the phone, so I have to rely on online means again. He’s going to come to where I live soon, possibly in September or October. I am so excited for that day, when we can embrace and kiss and feel our bodies finally with each other. We have already planned out how it will work. I will go to the airport to go see him, and I’ll run towards him, he’ll pick me up and spin me around while hugging me. It’s going to be picture perfect.

I think of him every moment I wake, and every second I sleep. My thoughts aren’t childish romance dreams,nor are they sexual fantasies. I simply think of him and me lying on the couch together, watching T.V, or just enjoying each other’s company. No awkwardness, no anxiety, just contentedness; peace. I’m waiting for the day when that may come true. For now, I’m happy with our unconventional love, with our destiny to be together. The Princess will forever be with her Bearbear.

- Unconventionally in love

We all make mistakes,When you live in each moment-Until its too late. Its always too late when you’re looking at the world through a frosted window in which you trace”i believe” with your fingertips… You have so much to send on your end, but no one to send back the love you need.
Being one in a million means nothing when the odds are against you.
And maybe it would be easier to not feel at all, and you couldnt miss anything if you never had the chance to fall. Whoever put the word “lie” in “believe”,made a believer out of me.
And if my whispers never leave your thoughts please remember: “i am one in a million and i never wanted to fit in anywhere except your heart”, and this line from a song along with my whispers will start to fade like i have. Does anyone know what to do with a heart like mine?
I only know how to love with everything that i am. Saving smiles for you was the last thing i thought would bring me down. And when you wear your heart on your sleeve, You are begging to bleed. One thing you can be sure of,is that your story will have chapters to last.
Without them you’d be an empty book. One thing is certain, in these pages you’ll find a story of a different kind. I’m just a girl but Im still breathing, And im still dreaming..

You never know what to expect when it comes to love. You never know what to expect when it comes to life either. Life and love will always throw you curve balls, its up to you to either strike out or hit a home run.

Make sure you tell every one you love them for this very reson, No one can predict what tomorrow will bring. You just have to live for today. You never know who will walk into or out of your life tomorrow.

I wish I would of thought about this before i wanted to give up on everything. I know now that i cant live in the past or live for the future. Today could be my last day on this earth so I’ll make the best of it.

“If I never saw this kid again, Lord, I wouldn’t be sorry!” I thought.

Tears clouded my eyes as I stood in our laundry room. Clenched in both hands were new jeans and a shirt belonging to my 16-year-old stepson, Brett. The clothing was already destroyed from burn holes and vomit stains after a drunken binge.

Exhausted and defeated, I sank to the floor. The clothes were just one more thing Brett had ruined. He had already kicked a large hole in his bedroom wall; his bedcovers were torn. Numerous windows in our house needed repair due to his breaking in to steal money when he chose to live on the street. Yet none of this could compare to the emotional damage Brett had inflicted on our once quiet home.

I knew that Brett’s needs were deep, and I had often prayed for wisdom and love. The second greatest commandment, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself,” had taken on new meaning when Brett came to live with us when he was 12 years old. If I were to love my neighbor, was I not to love my own troubled stepson even more?

During those four years I had dealt with Brett as patiently as possible, but inside I was churning. “I don’t want him in my house another day, Lord,” I cried as I knelt on the laundry room floor. “I just can’t stand him!”

Chest heaving, I poured out my despair. Then God tenderly spoke to me in my weakness. Matthew 25:35-40 rose in my thoughts—Jesus’ declaration that when we invite a stranger, feed the hungry, clothe the naked or visit those in prison, we are doing it as unto Him. For the first time I saw this story in light of the action words. Jesus was saying, “Act. Meet these people’s needs. Through your actions you are loving them and Me.”

God’s encouragement to me that day helped me to gather strength and continue parenting Brett. Still, Brett did not change his behavior.

When Brett was nearly 18, he landed again in Juvenile Hall, this time on suicide watch. Through prayer, my husband, Dave, and I sensed God’s leading to send Brett to a boarding school with a high success rate for helping troubled teens.

The psychological training at Brett’s school was rigorous. Out of more than 20 people in his class, Brett was one of only five graduates.

At the graduation ceremony the graduates stood one by one to thank those who had helped them. Each graduate held a long-stemmed, white rosebud to give to the person who had meant the most to him or her.

Brett spoke lovingly to his mother and father and for the first time took responsibility for the heartaches he had caused.

Finally Brett spoke to me. “You did so much,” he said. “You were always there, no matter what. My mom and dad, I was their kid. But you just got stuck with me. All the same you always showed me such love. And I want you to know that I love you for it.”

Stunned, I stood as Brett placed the white rosebud in my hand and hugged me hard.

At that moment I realized the truth in God’s words to me. Although I had struggled with silent anger toward my stepson, Brett had seen only my actions.

Love is action. We may not always have positive feelings about certain people in our lives. But we can love them.

Catherine Marshall tells of the time she decided to do a one-day experiment. Oh, it really was an eye-opener for her. You see, she had a problem common to most of us. She found it too easy to be critical of others. Well, one morning as she meditated on the verse, “So don’t criticize each other anymore,” (Romans 14:13 TLB) she became aware of the Lord nudging her to not be critical for one day.

Of course she tried to shove it off. But she couldn’t get it out of her mind. So she tried to rationalize her critical attitude. After all, aren’t we to use the intelligence God gave us to analyze and evaluate—even though the results is not always positive? The nudging continued right through the debate going on in her mind until she finally agreed to give the experiment a try—but just for the one day would she fast from criticism.

Through most of the morning she kept wondering what the result would be at the end of the day. The lunch with her husband and friends was normal except for the unusual silence of one person—Catherine. She had not committed to silence, just to not criticizing. It surprised her to realize how much of her conversation was usually critical an judgmental. She was silent only because she couldn’t contribute to the conversation without judging. So, she kept quiet and no one seemed to notice. A sting to the pride as well.

It wasn’t until mid-afternoon that something special began to happen. The floodgate of ideas began to open and creative thoughts flowed through in a way she hadn’t experienced in a long time.

At day’s end she marveled at all that had transpired simply because she refused to entertain a critical attitude. A letter to encourage a friend, insight into praying for a college student, seeking her child’s forgiveness, all filtered through her freely because there was no negative thoughts to stop them.

Catherine’s one-day experiment became a lifetime habit.

looks like its about the same
i mean your dark world
my eternal flames
colors and flavors primary pastels
love eaquals freedom
thoughts become real
a foothold of great standing
sinking in the sands of time
soon or never
same thing
i hear you sing
when i hit three notes
my magic guitars must know
its for show
i am for keeps
finishing up the rest
best
i play my song
nothing is wrong

by keoni

Viktor Frankl, a Vienna Jew, was interned by the Germans for more than three years. He was moved from one concentration camp to another, even spending several months in Auschwitz. Dr. Frankl said that he learned early that one way to survive was to shave every morning, no matter how sick you were, even if you had to use a piece of broken glass for a razor. For every morning, as the prisoners stood for review, the sickly ones who would not be able to work that day were sent to the gas chambers. If you were shaven, and your face looked ruddier for it, your chances of escaping death that day were better.

Their bodies wasted away on the daily fare of 10 1/2 ounces of bread and 1 3/4 pints of thin gruel. They slept on bare board tiers seven feet wide, nine men to a tier. The nine men shared two blankets together. Three shrill whistles awoke them for work at three A.M.

One morning as they marched out to lay railroad ties in the frozen ground miles from the camp, the accompanying guards kept shouting and driving them with the butts of their rifles. Anyone with sore feet supported himself on his neighbor’s arm. The man next to Frankl, hiding his mouth behind his upturned collar whispered: “If our wives could see us now! I do hope they are better off in their camps and don’t know what is happening to us.”

Frankl writes:
That brought thoughts of my own wife to mind. And as we stumbled on for miles, slipping on icy spots, supporting each other time and again, dragging one another up and onward, nothing was said, but we both knew: each of us was thinking of his wife. Occasionally I looked at the sky, where the stars were fading and the pink light of the morning was beginning to spread behind a dark bank of clouds. But my mind clung to my wife’s image, imagining it with an uncanny acuteness. I heard her answering me, saw her smile, her frank and encouraging look.

A thought transfixed me: for the first time in my life I saw the truth as it is set into song by so many poets, proclaimed as the final wisdom by so many thinkers. The truth- that love is the ultimate and highest goal to which man can aspire. Then I grasped the meaning of the greatest secret that human poetry and human thought and belief have to impart: the salvation of man is through love and in love.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. -1 Corinthians 13:13 NIV

Do you believe that reality just is and there’s nothing you can do to change it? Do you think that what you’re experiencing day to day is pretty much set in stone? That you’re too old, stubborn or poor for life to be any different?

I used to think that way. There was a time when I looked at my life and thought, well, these are the cards I’ve been dealt and, as bad as it is, I’ll just have to accept it. Not that my life has been really bad–it hasn’t been, but it wasn’t absolutely wonderful. At least that’s how I saw it.

That’s the key. I was using the wrong eyes to view my life. My visions were of struggle, boredom, and judgment. These things I saw through my physical eyes, which passed this information along to my brain, which said, OK, since that’s what you see, then that’s what I’ll keep making you think you have.

Thanks, but no thanks. I know better now.

Somewhere along the way, my inner eyes caught my attention. I suppose their eyelids had been fluttering for quite some time, but who knew?

My inner eyes, I call them the eyes of my soul, see nothing but love and joy. That’s it! There are no other options available to them.

My physical eyes can’t understand this. They want to argue and say, No, no, no! The REAL world does not look that way! They have since learned that love and joy don’t argue back. They just shine until the protestor shuts up.

My inner eyes look at traffic jams and say, Oh, what a perfect chance to meditate! They look at a judgmental person and say, That person deserves blessings to soothe his or her unhappiness. They see a small bank balance as an opportunity to attract replenishment. Lots of it.

The eyes of my soul see only the soul’s eyes of everyone they meet, whether or not the person is aware of their own inner eyes. These eyes are made of love and can only see in others what they, themselves, are made of. My physical eyes have decided that love is a glorious color and are now more quick to join in this vision than they were in the past.

Inner eyes insist on loving experiences. They always seek and find love, even in situations where the physical eyes would definitely not choose love. As a result, joy always surrounds each experience viewed by the inner eyes. My soul’s eyes have taught me that love and joy go hand in hand, like lifetime friends that will never part.

When you’re living from your heart, you’re allowing your inner eyes to shine. You’re letting love go before you into all aspects of your daily life, to pave your path with joy. As the Universe would have it, the act of putting this love forth leaves you open to receiving it back tenfold.

It’s really that simple. See your life as full of love and joy. Show love in your thoughts, words, and deeds. Before you know it, your physical eyes will have no other choice but to agree that this is the life they were meant to see all along.

Janet Wilson is the President of Life, Education And Prosperity, Inc., a company dedicated to enriching the lives of others worldwide through personal and professional development. LEAP specializes in training individuals, as well as entire companies, to become successful in any walk of life.

I do not know how to express the conflicting emotions that have surged like a storm through my heart all night long. I only know that first and foremost in all my thoughts has been the glorious confirmation you gave me last night – without effort, unconsciously, of course – of all I have ever thought of your mind and heart.

You have the greatest soul, the noblest nature, the sweetest, most loving heart I have ever known, and my love and admiration for you have increased so much since we’ve known each other that it still amazes me.

You are more wonderful and lovely in my eyes than you ever were before; and my pride and joy and gratitude that you should love me with such a perfect love are beyond all expression.